Small And Large Breasts

Women with big breasts...

...can get a taxi on the worst days

...have a neat place to carry spare change

...have always been the center of the arts (art)

...make jogging a spectator sport

...can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub

...have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them)

...usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie

...can always carry a little extra

...always float better

...know where to look first for lost earrings

...rarely lack for a slow dance partner

...have a place to set their glasses when sitting in an armless recliner

Women With Little Breasts...

...don't cause a traffic accident every time they bend over in public

...always look younger

...find that dribbled food makes it to the napkin on their lap

...can always see their toes and shoes

...can sleep on their stomachs

...have no trouble sliding behind the wheel of small cars

...know that people can read the entire message on their t-shirts

...know that everything more than a handful is wasted

...can come late to a theater and not disrupt an entire aisle

...can take aerobic class without running the risk of knocking themselves out.

A Selection Of Dirty Jokes

Teacher: "Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?"

Little Johnny: Drin-king, smo-king, and fuc-king.

---

A farmhand is driving around the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling. What should I do?"

"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush." The farm worker says okay and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."

"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.

"The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!"

---

Tony had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be The Man of Your House.'

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.

After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.

Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'

His Sicilian wife Gina replied, "The fucking funeral director would be my first guess."

---

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.

Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said, 

"OK, I give up. Where's the fucking ship?"

---

This letter was sent to the School Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize and was writing to say thank you.

Dear Lions Bay School,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the West Vancouver Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away so I am all alone. I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but, she would never let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.
She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed that I could tell her to fuck off.

Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.

God bless you all.

Sincerely,

Edna

---

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal:
'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry:
'9.'

Principal:
'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry:
'36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions..'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands .'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry:
'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong. 

---

A woman is learning how to golf. She has been teaching herself to play for more than three months and she is really bad. She decides to consult a golf pro.

When she sees the golf pro, she explains how bad she is and he tells her to go ahead and hit the ball. She does. The ball goes about 50 yards into the brush slicing to the right. The golf pro says to the woman, "I can see that you have a lot of problems. Your stance is bad, your head is all over the place, and the worst thing is that grip."

When she asks what can be done to fix the situation, he suggests, "Grab the club gently, as if you were grabbing your husband's "club". When the feeling is right, go ahead and swing." She does just that and the ball goes off the tee perfectly straight for about 275 yards.

The golf pro says to the woman, "That is unbelievable, I didn't think you would do that well. But now on to your next problem... How are we going to get that golf club out of your mouth?"

---

An old man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.

He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me BITE your breasts for $100?"

"Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again.

"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"

So the little old man runs around the next block and faces her again, "Would you let me bite your breasts - just once - for $10,000?!"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000... Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.

As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?'
"Nah," says the little old man... "Costs too much!"

---

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal.. When he enters a roomeveryone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

---

A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon.

When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

"Well," said her mother, "how was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon as wonderful! So romantic..."

Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language - things I'd never heard before!
I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home... PLEASE MAMA!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama ... he used words like: dust, wash, iron, cook..."

"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.

---

An elderly man goes into his doctors office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes out and says, "I'm sorry Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition which only allows you another 6 weeks to live."

"But Doctor," Bill replied, "I feel great. I haven't felt better in years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?"

After a moment the doctor said, "Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa and take a mud bath every day."

Excitedly Bill asked, "And that will cure me?"

"No," replied the doctor, "but it will get you used to the dirt."

---

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore.. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

"Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "Adult diapers?"

Pharmacist: "Sure."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

---

A little boy went up to his father and asked, "Dad, where did my intelligence come from?" The father replied, "Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine."

---

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell...'

---

2 doctors are laying in bed after having sex. The guy says "You must be an OBGYN because you can work that pussy." The woman says "You must be an anesthesiologist because I didn't feel a thing."

---

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'It's my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you when we're making love,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser ... at half the price.'

A Few Reasons To Allow Drinking At Work

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they have had a couple of drinks.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

The Teacher

A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made
a mess." "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Lucy raised a hand and said, "Our family are farmers, too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched." "That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am! My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Marge. She was a flight engineer during Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a Machete. So .. she drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break. Then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed 70 of them with the machine gun until it ran out of bullets! Then she killed 20 more with the machete till the blade broke; then she killed the last 10 with her bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Stay away from Aunt Marge when she's been drinking."

The Farmer

An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back forty, had it fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was fixed for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond, I only came to feed my alligators." Old age and treachery will triumph over youth and skill every time!

Satan

One day, Satan was out for a walk through Hell, making sure things were running smoothly. When he got to the Lake of Fire, he saw a man sitting by the lake, relaxing in a lawn chair, and not sweating or looking uncomfortable at all. Perplexed, Satan approached the man and asked:

"Young man, are you not hot or bothered by this heat?" The man replied, "Oh no, not at all. I lived in downtown Toronto and this weather is just like a typical July day in the city." Satan thought that this was not a good sign, so he rushed back to his office and turned up the heat in Hell another 100 degrees. Satisfied with himself, he again returned to the Lake of Fire to check on the young man.

When he got there, the man was showing a few beads of sweat, but that was all. Again Satan asked the Torontonian, "Are you hot and uncomfortable yet?" The young man looked up and said, "No, the temperature is just like a hot August day in Toronto. I'm coping it just fine."

Satan decided that he had to do something drastic to make this man's stay in Hell unpleasant. He went back to his office, turned the heat all the way down, and then turned up the air conditioning. The temperature in Hell quickly dropped well below zero. As he approached the Lake of Fire, he noticed that it was now frozen over. He also saw the Torontonian jumping up and down wildly, waving his arms and yelling into the air.

"This looks promising!" thought Satan. Coming closer, he finally made out what the man was shouting: "The Leafs have won the Stanley Cup! The Leafs have won the Stanley Cup!"

The Library

"What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked. 
"Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"
"Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.
"No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?"
"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."

No Horns

"Mister, why doesn't this cow have any horns?" asked the young lady from a nearby city. The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse."

Birth Control

An elderly woman went to her local doctor’s office and asked to speak with her doctor. When the receptionist asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.” Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Glenwood, but you’re 80 years old. What would you possibly need birth control pills for?” The woman replied, “They help me sleep better.” The doctor considered this for a second, and continued… “How in the world do birth control pills help you sleep?” The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice, and I sleep better at night.”

Crude Sex Jokes 2

Q. What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes? A. Goes-in-tight! Q. How do you know when you are getting old? A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts. Q. What's the definition of a Yankee? A. Same thing as a ''quickie'', only you do it yourself. Q. Why don't little girls fart? A. Because they don't get assholes until they're married. Q. Why do women stop bleeding when entering the menopause ? A. Because they need all the blood for their varicose veins ! Q. What do Disney World & Viagra have in common? A. They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride. Q. What's the definition of trust? A. Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob. Q. Why is it called a Wonder Bra? A. When she takes it off, you wonder where her tits went. Q. Why don't women blink during foreplay? A. They don't have time. Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg? A. They don't stop for directions. Q. Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring? A. He decided to stick it out for one more year! Q. Barking dog at the back door wanting in and your wife's yelling at the front wanting in. Which one do you let in? A. The dog, once he's in, he shuts up! Q. How do you know when your wife is really dead? A. Your sex life is the same but your washing pile gets bigger. Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant A. Marry it. Q. How do you make five pounds of fat look good? A. Give it a nipple. Q. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe? A. Fur traders. Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed? A. A cherry float. Q. What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common? A. They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed. Q. How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood? A. When his hand caught on fire. Q. What�s better than a rose on your piano? A. Tulips on your organ. Q. What did Adam say to Eve? A. Stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets! Q. How do you get a nun pregnant? A. Dress her up as an alter boy Q. Why don't witches wear panties when flying on their broomsticks? A. Better traction. Q. What does parsley and pubic hair have in common? A. Push it aside and keep on eating... Q. How do you say 69 in Chinese? A. Twocanchew (two can chew). Q. What is the definition of a menstrual period? A. A bloody waste of fucking time. Q. Why is a woman's pussy like a warm toilet seat? A. They both feel good, but you wonder who was there before you. Q. What is the first sign of AIDS? A. A pounding sensation in the ass. Q. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? A. Gagged Q. What is the Difference Between Pussy and Apple Pie? A. You can eat your mom's apple pie. Q. Why do women pierce their bellybutton? A. Place to hang their air freshener. Q. Did you hear Cher is joining the spice girls? A. They're going to call her Old Spice. Q. What is the difference between a clever midget and a venereal disease? A. One is a cunning runt, and the other is a running cunt Q. What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? A. Yell at her. Q. What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak. Q. What do women and police cars have in common? A. They both make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming. Q. Why do female skydivers wear jock straps? A. So they don't whistle on the way down. Q. Why did the woman cross the road? A. Never mind that, what the fuck is she doing out of the kitchen? Q. Why do women have 2% more brains then a cow? A. So, when you pull their tits they won't shit on the floor. Q. Why can't women read maps? A. Because only the male mind can comprehend the concept of 1 inch equals a mile. Q. What's a virgin and a balloon have in common ? A. All it takes is one prick and its all over. Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job? A. After five years your job will still suck. Q. What do you get when you cross a rooster and peanut butter? A. A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth. Q. Why do women prefer old gynaecologists? A. Their shaky hands! Q. What is better than a cold Bud? A. A warm bush. Q. What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? A. Slow down and use some lubricant. Q. Why are women like Kentucky Fried Chicken? A. After you've finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in. Q. What does a bull do to stay warm on a bitterly cold day? A. He goes into the barn and slips into a nice warm "Jersey" Q. What do you call an open can of tuna in a lesbians apartment? A. Potpourri Q. What does tightrope walking and getting a blowjob from Grandma have in common ? A. You don't look down. Q. Who can make more money in a week, a drug dealer or a prostitute? A. The prostitute because she can wash and resell her crack. Q. How are women and linoleum floors alike? A. You lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them for the next 20 years. Q. How are a lawyer and a prostitute different? A. The prostitute stops fucking you after you're dead. Q. What has one hundred balls and screws old ladies? A. Bingo Q. What is a zebra? A. 26 sizes larger than an "A" bra. Q. What did the blind man say as he passed the fish market? A. Good morning Girls Q. What's the difference between a woman and a fridge? A. A fridge doesn't fart when you pull your meat out! Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future? A. He buys 2 cases of beer instead of one. Q. How is being at a singles bar different than being at the circus? A. At the circus, the clowns don't talk. Q. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A. Breasts don't have eyes. Q. How many newspapers can a woman hold between her legs? A. One Post, two Globes, and many Times. Q. What's the difference between a whore and a bitch? A. Whore's fuck everyone at the party, Bitches fuck everyone at the party except you. Q. Did ya hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It works by changing your blood type!! Q. What do you call a truck full of dildos? A. Toys for Twats Q. How do you get four old ladies to shout "Fuck"? A. Get a fifth old lady to shout "Bingo!" Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. Q. What is the difference between a female snowman and a male snowman? A. Snowballs. Q. How many men does it take to open a beer bottle? A. None It should be open when she brings it to you Q. What's the difference between pink and purple? A. The grip! Q. What do you call it when a 90 year old man masturbates successfully? A. Miracle whip. Q. What's the definition of macho? A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy. Q. What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common? A. Men always miss them. Q. What does do women and milk cartons have in common? A. You gotta open the flaps to get to the good stuff. Q. Why do bunnies have soft sex? A. They have cotton balls Q. What happens when you kiss a canary? A. You get chirpes, it can't be tweeted because its a canarial disease. Q. What does the receptionist at the sperm clinic say to clients as they are leaving? A. Thanks for coming. Q. How do you know when you honeymoon is over? A. When he no longer smiles as he scrapes the burnt toast.

Crude Sex Jokes 1

Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common? A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get. Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't? A. A navel. Q. What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine? A. You can bung your load in a washing machine and it won't call you a week later. Q. Why did god create Adam before he created eve? A. Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam. Q. What is a lesbian's favorite thing to eat? A. A Klondike Bar Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man? A. "How do you breath through something so small?" Q. Why don't women wear watches? A. There's a clock on the stove! Q. What doesn't belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob? A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob. Q. Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms? A. They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman. Q. What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper? A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook. Q. What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common? A. They both like a tight seal. Q. What's the difference between a wife and a wheelie bin? A. You only have to take out a wheelie bin once a week. Q. What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other? A. WE DO TASTE LIKE CHICKEN! Q. What did the banana say to the vibrator? A. Why are you shaking she's going to eat me. Q. What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys? A. We'd eat pussy every Thanksgiving. Q. What's the difference between love and herpes? A. Love doesn't last forever. Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex? A. Call her and tell her. Q. A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn't report it. A. The thief was spending less then his wife. Q. Why do women have small feet? A. So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink. Q. Why do men die before their wives? A. They want to. Q. How do men sort out their laundry? A. Filthy, and filthy but wearable. Q. What's the difference between a man and ET? A. ET phoned home. Q. Why haven't they sent a woman to the moon yet? A. It doesn't need cleaning. Q. Why is a pap smear called a pap smear? A. Because women wouldn't do them if they were called cunt scrapes. Q. What's the difference between your paycheck and your cock? A. You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck! Q. What do you call kids born in whorehouses? A. Brothel sprouts. Q. What's the difference between a 40 year-old man, and a 40 year-old woman? A. A 40 year-old woman dreams of having children, a 40 year-old man dreams of dating them. Q. What's white, smells, and can be found in panties? A. Clitty litter Q. I married Miss Right. A. I just didn't know her first name was "Always." Q. Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women? A. When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there. Q. How do you know when your cat's done cleaning himself? A. He's smoking a cigarette. Q. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? A. He worked it out with a pencil. Q. Who's the world's greatest athlete? A. The guy who finishes first and third in a masturbation contest. Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance? A. Women don't get blow jobs while they're driving Q. Why do schools in West Virginia only have Drivers Ed two days a week? A. Because they need their cars for Sex Ed the other three days a week! Q. Three words to ruin a man's ego... A. "Is it in?" Q. What is the cheapest meat? A. Deer balls, there under a buck. Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count? A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows. Q. What's in the toilet of the star ship enterprise? A. The captains log. Q. What do you call a woman with her tongue sticking out? A. A lesbian with a hard-on. Q. What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy? A. A red headed bitch with a yeast infection. Q. Did you hear they came out with a new lesbian shoe? A. They're called Dikes. They have an extra long tongue and only take one finger to get off! Q. What's the difference between tampons and cowboy hats? A. Cowboy hats are for ass holes.

Free Beer

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar... FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her." The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there.

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.

"Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

Drunk Guy

There's this drunk standing out on the street corner, and a cop passes by, and says, "What do you think you're doing?" The drunk says, "I heard the world goes around every 24 hours, and I'm waiting on my house. Won't be long now, there goes my neighbor."

pet monkey

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

bar joke 2

This bartender is in a bar, when this really hot chick walks up and says in a sexy seductive voice, "May I please speak to your manager?" He says, "Not right now, is there anything I can help you with?" She replies, "I don't know if your the man to talk to...its kind of personal..." Thinking he might get lucky, he goes, "I'm pretty sure I can handle your problem, miss." She then looks at him with a smile, and puts two of her fingers in his mouth...and he begins sucking them, thinking "I'm in!!!" She goes, "Can you give the manager something for me?" The bartender nods...yes. "Tell him there's no toilet paper in the ladies restroom."

Bar joke 1

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

I Love the PS

To my  darling  husband,Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the Ford F-150 when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me. I was coming home and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the Ford F-150 fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your Ferrari. I missed our bikes.I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality that you will forgive me.  You know how much I love you and care for you, my sweetheart. I am enclosing a picture for you. I can't wait to hold you in my arms again. Your loving  wife XXX     PS: Nearly forgot, your girlfriend phoned!

A little canadian humour

Read the sign at the end fully.

 

 

This is hilarious Worried about squirrels getting into your bird feeder??  Read the Sign at the End Slowly. </img  id="yiv1897870143ecx_x005f_x0000_i1030"></img  id="yiv1897870143ecx_x005f_x0000_i1029"></img  id="yiv1897870143ecx_x005f_x0000_i1028"></img  id="yiv1897870143ecx_x005f_x0000_i1027">What the hell is that line made of? Only in Canada would you see a sign like this! Read the whole sign. Fort Steele is near Cranbrook ..... </img  id="yiv1897870143ecx_x005f_x0000_i1031">

The Hunter

An 86-year-old very wealthy man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...  The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.' I now have a 20 yr-old bride who is pregnant with my child. 'So what do you think about that Doc ?' The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. 'I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.' One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.' 'As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.  He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.  Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle, and went 'bang, bang'..'  'Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.. Now, what do you think of that ?' asked the doctor.  The 86-year-old said, 'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.'  The doctor replied,  'My point exactly.'