If My Body Was A Car

This is just too funny - scary how true it is!! 
IF MY BODY WERE A CAR... 

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dentsand scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull .... 
But that's not the worst of it. 

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. 

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently. 

But here's the worst of it -- 

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

Joke Of The Day

A magician worked on a cruise ship.  The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.  There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.  Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, It’s not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"  The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's' parrot.  Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.  The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot.  They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.  This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...  "OK, I give up. Where's the bloody ship?"

IF WOMEN CONTROLLED THE WORLD

PLEASE  KEEP HER GOING. 

This  woman is walking the World for Breast Cancer. Please pass her on so  that she can reach her destination. Say a prayer for all those who  are affected by this terrible disease. She's walking around the  world so please press all the like buttons to keep her walking thanks.

Men can fix anything - keep this one going it's for breast cancer awareness!!!‏

 

Male Or Female?

You might not know this...but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:

		FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in...but you can see right through them.
		PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off...it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed...but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.
		TYRES: Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated
		HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object... because to get them to go anywhere.....you have to light a fire under their arse.
		SPONGES: These are female...because they are soft.......squeezable and retain water.
		WEB PAGES:  Female...because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
		TRAINS: Definitely male... because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
		EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because....over time...all the weight shifts to the bottom.
		HAMMERS: Male.... because in the last 5000 years......they've hardly changed at all...and are occasionally handy to have around.
		THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male...but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it...and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push...he just keeps trying
Send this to all the women you care about.....and to any men who appreciate a good laugh!

Visiting Australia

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)

Aunt Mildred

Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. 

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place. 

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.

 

 

 

Later that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

As women grow older

Chaps
> It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it 
> becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as 
> when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. 
> Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive 
> woman. 
> 
> My name is Dave. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my 
> wife, Hazel. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for 
> Hazel to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for 
> extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after 
> she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I 
> usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home 
> from work 
> 
> Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to 
> rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at 
> her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she 
> gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at 
> the club, so eating out is not an option in the evening. I'm ready for 
> some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes 
> as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit 
> on the table for several hours after dinner. 
> 
> I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each 
> evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates 
> this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes 
> to bed. 
> 
> Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she 
> will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly 
> bills during her lunch hour. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or 
> worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch 
> it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush 
> so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then 
> wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact 
> is one of my strong points.. 
> 
> When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest 
> periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing 
> the lawn. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix 
> herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just 
> sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may 
> as well make one for me, too. .. 
> 
> I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Hazel. 
> I'm not saying that showing this much patience & consideration is easy. 
> Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody 
> knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. 
> However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less 
> criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider 
> that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this 
> earth to help each other.
> 
> 
> EDITOR'S NOTE: 
> 
> Dave died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum. The police 
> report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha 
> Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of 
> grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Hazel was 
> arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 
> minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that Dave, 
> somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club. 

Smart Ass

Smart Arse!

Two businessmen in London were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop..


As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. 
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now  some pensioner is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you selling here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling arse-holes." 

Without skipping a beat, the old dear said,  ???Must be doing well... Only two left." 
  
    Pensioners -- don't mess with them!!!!!!

Have A Laugh

1. The wife was counting all the 1p's and  2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and  started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself,  "She's going through the change."


2. When I was in the  pub I heard a couple of dickheads saying that they wouldn't feel  safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair  of sexist twats. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the  bloody thing!


4. Local Police hunting  the 'knitting needle nutter' who has stabbed six people in the arse  in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some  kind of pattern.


5.  Bought some 'rocket salad'  yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!


6.   A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea  break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The  bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman  grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the  day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."


7.   Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm  sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"


8.  Just got back  from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a  tennis ball. It was a lovely service.


9.  19 paddies  go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick  replies, "The film said 18 or over."


10. An Asian fellow  has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with  sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as  no surprise to learn his name was Bindair  Dundat.

Proofreading is a Dying Art (actually, it’s a DEAD art!)

Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't  you say?     
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter   
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked   

who wrote this.  It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading

was impossible!!!  They put in a correction the next day. I just couldn't help but send this along. Too funny.

 

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says   
Really? Ya think?   
-------------------------------------

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers     
Now that's taking things a bit far!   
-----------------------------------------------------------

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over     
What a guy!       
---------------------------------------

Miners Refuse to Work after Death   
good-for-nothing lazy so-and-so's!   
------------------------------------------------------ 

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant     
See if that works any better than a fair trial!   
    ---------------------------------------------------------- 

War Dims Hope for Peace     
I can see where it might have that effect!   
---------------------------------------------------------------- 

  If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile   
Ya think?!   
----------------------

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures     
Who would have thought!   
-----------------------------------------------------

Enfield (London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide   
They may be on to something!   
--------------------------------------------------------------

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges     
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?   
--------------------------------------------------------- 

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge     
He probably IS the battery charge!   
---------------------------------------------- 

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group     
Weren't they fat enough?! 
----------------------------------------------- 

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft     
That's what he gets for eating those beans!   
---------------------------------------------

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

    
Do they taste like chicken? 
---------------------------------------------

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half     
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!   
---------------------------------------------  

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors     
Boy, are they tall!   
-------------------------------------

And the winner is....     
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead     
 Did I read that right?   
-------------------------------------

Spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring

a smile to (maybe even a chuckle). We all need a good laugh,

at least once a day !