Border Patrol Alert

BORDER PATROL ALERT

The British Border Patrol is asking citizens to keep on the lookout for a red 1951 Chevy that they suspect is being used to smuggle illegal immigrants from Calais to Dover, through the Channel Tunnel.    If you see the vehicle, pictured below, and have reason to believe that it is the suspect vehicle, you are urged to contact your local police station.

British Humour

You have to love British humour! These are classified ads, which were actually placed in a U.K. newspaper: FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites! FREE PUPPIES. 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour ' s dog. FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound. COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale. JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer £100. WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE . Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie. **** And the WINNER is... **** FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.  Statement of the Century Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly. "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can ' t have a headache and sex at the same time?"

Just One question

The Glass Of Water

A young lady confidently walked around the room while leading and explaining stress management to an audience; with a raised glass of water, and everyone knew she was going to ask the ultimate question, 'half empty or half full?'..... she fooled them all... "How heavy is this glass of water?", she inquired with a smile.

 

Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz.

 

She replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance. In each case it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes."

She continued, "and that's the way it is with stress. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on."

"As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden - holding stress longer and better each time practiced.

 

So, as early in the evening as you can, put all your burdens down. Don't carry them through the evening and into the night.... pick them up tomorrow.

 

Whatever burdens you're carrying now, put them down for a moment. Relax, pick them up later after you've rested. Life is short. Enjoy it and the now 'supposed' stress that you've conquered!"

 

1 * Accept the fact that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue!

2 * Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

3 * Always read stuff that makes you feel good..

4 * Drive carefully... It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker..

5 * If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague

6 * If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it..

7 * It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

8 * Never buy a car you can't push.

9 * Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.

10 * Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance..

11 * Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late..

12 * The second mouse gets the cheese.

13 * When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

14 * Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

15 * You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

16 * Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.

17 * We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.

18 * A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour..

19 * Have an awesome day and know that someone thought about you today.

20 * It was me, your friend!

 

*Save the earth -- It's the only planet with chocolate!*

 

The Four Cats

Four  men were bragging about how smart their cats  were.  The  first man was an Engineer,   The  second man was an Accountant,   The  third man was a Chemist, and   The  fourth man was a Government  Employee.  To  show off, the Engineer called his cat,  "T-square, do your stuff."   T-square  pranced over to the desk, took out some paper  and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square,  and a triangle.  Everyone  agreed that was pretty smart.   But  the Accountant said his cat could do better. He  called his cat and said,   "Spreadsheet,  do your stuff."  Spreadsheet  went out to the kitchen and returned with a  dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal  piles of 3 cookies.  Everyone agreed that  was good.  But  the Chemist said his cat could do better. He  called his cat and said, "Measure, do your  stuff."  Measure  got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart  of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard  and poured  Exactly  8 ounces without spilling a drop into the  glass.  Everyone  agreed that was pretty good.   Then  the three men turned to the Government Employee  and said, "What can your cat  do?"  The  Government Employee called his cat and said,  "CoffeeBreak, do your stuff."   CoffeeBreak  jumped to his feet.......   Ate  the cookies........   Drank  the milk.....  Sh*t  on the paper.......   Screwed  the other three cats........   Claimed  he injured his back while doing  so.  Filed  a grievance report for unsafe working  conditions.......   Put  in for Workers  Compensation...................and   Went  home for the rest of the day on sick  leave.............   AND  THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY  EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK  FOR THE GOVERNMENT!

Ormie The Pig Wants A cookie

http://www.uvioo.com/watch/?v=CxmbmcDrXRk&m=alancirvine

Apple Has Done It Again

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.

The  iTit  will cost from $400 - $599, depending on cup and speaker size.
This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

ONLY IN BRITAIN......COMPLAINTS FROM TENANTS ABOUT COUNCIL HOUSES.

1. It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow. 2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it backfired and burnt my knob off. 3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage. 4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence. 5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off. 6. My lavatory seat is cracked. Where do I stand? 7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall. 8. Will you please send someone to mend my garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. 9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 10. 50% of the walls are damp. 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy. 11. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers. 12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared. 13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink. 14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces. 15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me. 16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous. 17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it. 18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something aboout the noise made by the man on top of me every night. 19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife. 20. I had had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction. 21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2. 22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it. 23. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.